Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Feeling Positively Schizophrenic These Days

I'm looking back at some of the stuff I've been writing on my two blogs.... and holy cow, it almost seems like two different people are writing these things. On BOTH blogs! Below is my post about signing up for NaNoWriMo, and then there's MIA on my other blog.

The space between who I am and who I want to be and how I think of myself is growing rapidly.

Am I a good witch? or a bad witch?

Good Mom - Bad Mom, Good Wife - Bad Wife. The pendulum seems to be swinging so fast now that it actually whistles as it rushes by.

So here's the scoop: Things aren't good. My son is having problems I don't know how to cope with, in spite of having been right there in his shoes myself. There is tension between my husband and me over how to deal with this because we both feel so hopeless, angry, dejected, worried, and hopeful that things will turn out alright. Sometimes things seem pretty normal. Sometimes it's all upside down.

I love my husband and my son with all my heart. And I'm not sure what to do at this point. I just know that I'm sitting here crying while I write this when I really need to be at work getting things done.

And what I feel like doing is chasing down an antelope and mauling it to death with my claws.

I'm trying to bring and keep positive activities and thoughts in our lives and not dwell too heavily on everything that's going wrong (not ignore it, but try not to give it power over my life).

So what I really do is keep on keeping on and keep doing my best to get through it all. It's all I can do.

8 comments:

Sandy said...

"And what I feel like doing is chasing down an antelope and mauling it to death with my claws."

Absolutely perfect imagery.

I am sorry that I have no answers. I will keep you and yours in my prayers.

nikki said...

Well shit, I wish I had some awesome solution for you. I really hope things get easier.

Oh, and it's way more fun to be the bad witch!!

Anna said...

Fingers crossed for all of you. Hang in there.

I won't even pull you up for misuse of the word "schizophrenic" (split personality is Dissociative Identity Disorder or DID).

Damn, I just did! Sorry!

Seriously, I hope things start to work out better for you guys. I've an idea how Zboy feels I think, I was teased for being overweight as as a child/teenager, although I never had the willpower to diet.

Sayre said...

I want to thank you all (the lurkers and the commenters) for your positive thoughts and prayers. I believe I see a little light out there on the horizon. The therapist finally called me back today and I've scheduled an appointment to talk to her before scheduling one for ZBoy.

I've also scheduled one for myself with a different therapist because whilte I think I handled things as well as possible on the surface, inside my head and my heart are a mess. I need to be stronger and more able to cope so that I can help ZBoy find his sunny self again.

Things are looking up - I am feeling more hopeful now that all will turn out okay.

HoosierGirl5 said...

I will pray for you.

Hang in there.

J.

Stepping Over the Junk said...

coming from someone who doesn't pray, I say PRAY however it is you pray. May peace and goodness come to you and your family.

Oh, The Joys said...

Sayre,
I hope things get better soon. Thinking of you,
J

min said...

Thst black cloud is going to be following you around for a little while. Try to get your mind on other things to give yourself a break. I know...why not write a novel!?! Good luck with that.