Tuesday, July 15, 2008

I need my umbrella

I'm not really sure what's going on with me. Perhaps now that my brain is freed up from trying not to throw up all the time, it's trying to sort out a few other things. I'm sleeping harder and deeper than I have in months and my dream cycles are playing havoc with my waking life.

Terrible things happen at night. Like dating Val Kilmer and seeing him smash some random woman in the face with a mirror when he follows me into the restroom at some restaurant. And for dessert, he throws my son and my cat off a cliff and I can't stop him. It was kind of like being married to my first husband again.

Or frustrating things. Like living in my parents' old house before the flippers got a hold of it and it had somehow deteriorated so badly that the tiles are popping out (not that we actually had tiles anywhere except the bathrooms and these were somewhere else entirely). I, of course, was charged with getting the house in perfect order before the open house and find myself kneeling on the broken tiles and sobbing.

Add to that a son who seems to have caught a rude bug with symptoms like talking back, sulking, ignoring me, and making the "mad face" whenever I talk to him.

I snapped this morning.

After asking him four times to put on his shoes while I was racing around putting together a lunch for him and getting myself ready for work (because I overslept due to all the tiling work), he sat on his ass watching "I was a Teenage Robot" with glazed over eyes. I finally got it all together and told him to go get in the car - which he did, but he didn't bother to pick up his backpack with all the necessary stuff for camp in it.

Lugging my own burdens out to the car, I told him to go back and get his stuff. He huffed out of the car, retrieved his backpack from next to the front door, clambered back in, slammed the door and grumbled, "There, I did it. Can we go already?"

Something expoded in my brain. In a feat of amazing deterity, my arm snaked its way to the back seat and my hand grabbed the hair on the top of his head. Hard. My mouth moved and angry words came spewing out about ungrateful little shits, lazy asses and how he was going to spend the rest of his life in his room unless I let Val Kilmer throw him off the cliff. Heck, I'd stand there and cheer.

The sane half of me sat there with its mouth hanging open, wondering who this other person was. Because I LOVE my son. I hate being angry with him and try to control my reactions when he's just being a brat. The crazy part of me just wanted to pound out all my frustration on him, but the sane part kept it to yelling and holding onto his hair. And kept me in the front seat. And started crying.

ZBoy didn't notice this, as I was wearing dark glasses and he was busy rubbing the top of his head and crying too. We both cried, in our own separate little worlds. Mine in the sleep-deprived and catching up with too much subconscious angst world and his in the sullen little boy trying to grow up and be his own person world.

Worlds collide.

He got to camp only a little late. As we arrived, I apologized to him. He apologized to me. We got out of the car and hugged fiercely, wiped our eyes, collected his bag and walked through the gates of normalcy. I was me, he was he and all was right between our worlds again.

I still feel off-kilter. Tears well up with no warning. I can't concentrate. I'm at work but getting very little done.

Ironic, isn't it, that when I got in the car after dropping ZBoy off at camp, THIS song came on the radio????


nikki said...

Take a deep breath honey. Children like to test the boundaries. Zboy is on that verge of not quite being a little kid anymore and wanting to see how far he can go.

Can you find some time for just you?

Me said...

I just just the way you wrote that.
I am he and he is me.
Crying in our own worlds.

Makes me realize there is so ooo much more to being a parent than just the glowy thing.

Hope things relax a bit around you.

*Red* said...

Oy!!! One more reason why I'm not a parent. But the amazing thing is that by the end of it all, you were both okay with each other and comforted one another. That's awesome!


SwampAngel65 said...

It can be so hard being a parent sometimes, can't it? I have been in your shoes so many times and I hate it. Why can't kids SEE when we're stressed and just be good??? Like Nikki said, just take a deep breath. don't sweat it. It will pass.

karisma said...

Oh my poor baby! Welcome to my world sweetie! Those damn dreams keep me awake every night! It does wear you down especially when you have been unwell!

Kids are pretty bouncy, he has probably forgotten all about it already! What Nikki says is right too, he will be testing his boundaries a lot from now on. My trick with that one is to be consistent and don't let it get to you! They take pretty close notice of what works to get you riled! And that will be his plan to get you riled NOT to make you cry! Boys don't like to make mama cry so don't be ashamed to let him see it if he does. He will feel like a right little shit and be ashamed of himself. As he should! My motto is..."Don't take Shit from no-one!" (even cute little boys, or should I say especially, cute little boys)

Now I wasn't going to tell you, but there is a little something peaceful on its way to your house! I hope it cheers you up a little. Hugs xxxxxx

oh and PS....Don't go getting into the habit of the busy dreaming.

stepping over the junk said...

story of my day. araugh. I am sorry, I know the feeling. Hi! I have struggled to reconnect, but I am writing now on wordpress, slowly emerging! How are you, Lady? (Okay, I will be going through the last few months of your archives to find out)

HoosierGirl5 said...

It's okay, S. We ALL snap now and again. I have watched myself rant and rave and scream at all or some of them, like watching a crazy woman in a movie.

The best part is, you both apologized and hugged. That means you forgave each other.

I love that video, by the way.

Big hugs!

PS. Want me to drive down there and take you out for a latte? (grin)

HoosierGirl5 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Liane Michel said...

You need time to yourself. Things will look different after you take care of you.

Alison said...

I hate when psycho mom over takes my body...in fact it just happened yesterday morning with my son...must be something in the air.

Anonymous said...

As a relatively accomplished father, let me remind you that an expression of anger, even one that gets a little out of control, does not equal bad parenting. Part of the deal is to teach them to behave appropriately in the real world. If Zach shows that attitude with someone who doesn't love him, the loss is a few teeth and a pint of blood through his nose, rather than a few stray hairs. Mistakes can be forgiven, but willful disobedience must be crushed! :D

Giong through some growing with my 18 year old now, who divides his time between emerging adult and sulky, petulent teenager. When the latter shows up, he is summarily jerked in close by the front of his shirt and reminded that there will never be a time in his life where such behavior is appropriate. On more than one occasion in combat, I have physically taken hold of a Soldier and reminded him that his inattention to what is going on around him could cost him his life or the lives of his teammates.

Tough love, while tough, is still love.

Your brothers watched you grow up and have watched you become a world class mommy. Remember that tough love may be tough, but it is still love... not abuse.

Your very respectful little brother,

Anonymous said...

Remind me on Monday to give you my lesson about dreams.

Anonymous said...

I'm a lurker who has been enjoying your blog for about a year now. I don't have a blog of my own so I never felt I could reply to any of your postings before. I just wanted to say - I totally agree with your brother! Parenting is hard, it's messy and sometimes ugly. It's easy to be a parent when our children are respectful and happy. Any parent with a child over the age of 8 understands EXACTLY what you went through with ZBoy!

I have a 10 year old daughter who had a day almost identical. I spent most of the summer being calm and respectful with her. I talked to her about her behavior and what was expected of her. I took away privileges, TV, and watched as her bedtime got earlier and earlier. Nothing worked. She was sullen, moody, lazy, entitled and snotty. My happy smiley little girl had changed into a pre-teen BEAST.

Then one morning she ran me through a series of her snotty sassiness and I had enough.
I became VERY loud for the NEXT 30 mins. There were words, tears (hers not mine) and she got the point. The 10 year old does NOT make the rules in our home. The 10 year FOLLOWS the rules.

She needed me to be that tough. You cannot tell me a child is happy being sullen, lazy and snotty.
I love that girl more than anything in this world and I wll not fail her.

You step up for ZBoy that day. It may have shaken you both up -- but parenting is not for the weak. You are a good mom. He knows you love him and he also knows that he was pushing buttons. Now he knows limits.

Good Job Sayre!


ablondeblogger said...

I'm so sorry you're feeling out of sorts. With all that your body has been through, it will take some time to get back to normal.

So, the way you're feeling? Perfectly normal. The frustration with your son? Perfectly normal.

You're a good mom. Don't ever forget it.