Thursday, January 01, 2009

I love you more...

2008 has officially retired into the annals of history with only one major mishap - lighting sparklers last night, Z was nervous and pushed his sparkler at Darling Man, delivering a rather severe burn to his thumb. Lots of ice, aloe and a burn patch later, he was finally able to go to sleep.

We don't stay up late to ring in the new year. We don't party. Last night, we hoisted a cup of cocoa, watched Twilight Zone and thankfully watched 2008 winding down.

Not that it was a particularly bad year. We have a new president and new hope for our staggering country. Bush didn't actually drive us to our knees, but we're definitely unsteady on our feet. DM and I both have jobs and as far as we know aren't in danger of losing them. ZBoy is happy and healthy and learning everyday. There were no major catastrophes with our house or our pets or our relatives. There have been deaths, which are a normal part of life, but no maiming. We aren't rich enough to worry about the stock market (in that we have no stocks and our retirements aren't stock-based), but it's affected parents on both sides. Still, no one is homeless or doesn't have enough to eat.

And all in all, there's not much I would change personally from what I was doing in 2008.

My health has improved dramatically and continues to do so. I will continue that trend in 2009. I still have plenty of weight to lose but the bloodwork numbers are in very good shape. Now it's time to get REALLY serious about my outside shape.

I've done quite a bit of work on the house, finally finishing the downstairs bathroom, getting the plumbing fixed in the upstairs bathrooms. Illness slowed me down, but in the last couple of days of the year, I finally painted the stairwell and hallway upstairs, eliminating the ugly, depressing gray green color that was the whole house when we moved in. I also repainted the livingroom yesterday and will do the diningroom today. Future projects include both upstairs bathrooms and re-working the kitchen so that it functions better and looks better. Perhaps there will be new furniture, perhaps not.

But my real resolution was inspired on a couple of fronts.

I have never been a very touchy-feely person. The sphere of my personal space seems to be bigger than other people's and I get very uncomfortable when it's invaded. I don't spontaneously touch people, hug or kiss them - even my own family. I am uncomfortable when other people do it to me. My husband, on the other hand, is very "hands-on" (how in the world do we make this work???). The other night we were snuggling a bit and as usual, after a certain amount of time my body was making "move away" fidgets. DM needed a little more cuddle and asked that I not leave, so I stayed, but I guess my body started getting... rigid. It can only handle so much. OF course, DM noticed, sighed and released me. Which made me feel bad. I want to work on feeling comfortable with my loved ones touching me, holding me and not making them feel rejected when I can't take it anymore. It's a way to say, "I love you."

And this morning, my son was bouncing around the family room the way boys do sometimes, and he flung himself down on the couch and exclaimed, "I LOVE YOU, MAMA!"

I replied, "I love you, too!" And stopped mid-flip on the pancakes. It occurred to me that I am always saying, "I love you, too." That I rarely initiate that particular exchange. With my husband, my son, my parents, my brothers or my friends.

And I do. I love all of those people. Desperately. In their own ways, they move me to tears and laughter and thoughfulness and I love them. But I almost never tell them that. I never tell them just how much having them in my life means to me. How much it enriches the essence of my very being. How empty my life would be if they weren't there, if they didn't love me too.

So my biggest resolution for 2009? To say I LOVE YOU more.


Anonymous said...

Good resolution and probably a good start on the touching sensitivity too.

Anonymous said...

You are your Momma..and your Grandmas Lois and Jocelyn.


hulagirlatheart said...

Excellent resolutions...especially that last one.

Anonymous said...

I find that as I get older, I become more sensitive. Hugging the children and parents becomes more important, not less. I wonder whom I take after...?


Sayre said...

Interestingly, I have no problem hugging ZBoy. Perhaps because he's a part of me. I don't know. I imagine it will start feeling awkward to him at some point, so I need to get in as much hugging as I can now.

You sort of remind me of Dad that way. He's a good hugger if he gets the go-ahead signal. I just don't give the signal that it's okay to anyone.

survivor said...

I am alot like you but I also have been trying to reach out and touch more, It is very very difficult for me and I have to feel it and do it without thinking. Maybe someday I will be able to let people touch me -but one day at a time, I DO tell people how I feel and that I love them and what they mean to me. That happened about eight years ago after a little stroke and six years ago after a major heart attack. Life is good!

wendster said...

I was raised as a non hugger as well. So when I met people who HUGGED it was WEIRD. But warm and nice. It took me a long time to move over to being the hugger ... not just awkwardly accepting the hugs.
Now I LOVE them. I am a graduate. It helps if you hang out with groups that you like that are huge on hugging and cheek kissing. Out here in California I volunteer with a group that runs personal growth seminars, and the hispanic population hugs like crazy. It's awesome.
Practice, practice, practice, makes perfect. LOL.

lisaschaos said...

Happy New Year! I'm not a touchy feely person either - I mean there are moments but they are rare and I hate it when hubs gets his feelings hurt that I have tensed.

Anonymous said...

I have the same issue with my personal seems that mine is much bigger than most people's. And I am sure that your loved ones are in NO doubt about how you feel, whether you express your affection physically or in other ways!

And our New Year's Eve was very similar - yay for the Twilight Zone marathon!!

PinkPiddyPaws said...

Well....I can certainly give you a comparison, because what you are describing is something that I experienced from another member of your family. :) may be a familial thing! ha..haha..

I think it's awesome that you are going to work on those things. It's a huge step. Mwah!!!