Thursday, April 23, 2009

Wishful thinking

I'm tired. Really tired. I suppose this last insult to my body might have been the last straw, but an overwhelming tiredness has been building for quite some time.

Nothing major. Just day to day stuff that never ends. Caring for kids, keeping track of appointments, a list of shoulds that seems insurmountable on a daily basis like eating healthily, getting plenty of exercise, spending time in the sun, reading. My days are pretty routine.

I turn off the alarm at 6am and sleep till 7am. Get up, rouse the boy, hunt for clothes for him, feed him, hound him about getting his stuff together. Jump in the shower and throw on clothes. Gulp down two cups of coffee and a bowl of Cherrios. Dash out the door, boy in tow, to take him to school - then drive to work.

Don't get me wrong. I LOVE my job. But it's so daily. Every day, program logs and record schedules have to be done. Hopefully, I get to work a head a couple of days so that the weekend is covered without a giant crunch at the last moment. But then I have to hunt down things that are missing and arrange for shipping, put together promo reels to be edited, answer calls, and every three months, the big crunch of Sprout, Quarterly Reports and Nielsen reports all have to be completed. Plus the weird little reports that pop up from accounting or outreach or pledge. Never-ending pledge.

And I'm trying to remember the last time I had a vacation. I think it might have been maternity leave 10 years ago. I did go to England for 10 days a few years ago so that I could see my step-grandmother before she died, but as lovely as that trip was and all the visiting that happened, I'm not sure I count that as a vacation.

I need some solitary time - no kids, no husband, no pets, no demands. Time to just veg, stretch my legs, expand my mind. When was the last time I did that?

The last time I explored a mountain stream?

Or spent a whole day laying around with nothing to do?

Or gazed at the stars in a western sky?

Or slept until I couldn't sleep anymore?
It's been so long since I've recharged my batteries. It's taken a long time for them to run down but I feel like I'm missing my usual spark. I want to feel like this again:

My normal mode of operation.

16 comments:

Swampy said...

So, if the last time you had a vacation was for maternity leave, may I suggest that you get pregnant again.
Just sayin...

Sayre said...

Oh, Swampy... you are SO funny!!!!
Being pregnant is NOT a vacation - nor is having another kid. I've got my hands full with the one (and sometimes two) that I've got.

Faye said...

Sayre, I really understand how you're feeling (good idea to not listen to Swampy though, I'm just guessing since it's childless around here). I'm always relating things to retiring, but some of the frustrations you expressed were mine at the time I decided to retire. If I had to do one more quarterly report, plan one more conference, get out one more mass mailing, conduct one more workshop I'd just scream.

One of my favorite writers(about writing)is Julia Cameron. She recommends that everyone make an Artist's Date with themselves once a week. Do something by yourself that renews your spirit--go to a movie that none of your family would tolerate, etc. Another writer, life coach that I listen to is Victoria Moran--especially "Fit from Within". Her recommendation seem to be in line with some of your goals, priorities. In the end it's comforting to remember that life is always changing. What you're dealing with today won't be the same tomorrow.

Sayre said...

Thanks, Faye - I need to check out that "Fit from Within" book! I just feel out of sorts right now - directionless. I know it's burnout and I know I need to do something really, really different from what I've been doing lately. I'm just drawing a blank.

Hoosier Girl said...

Oh my gosh....I think we might be TWINS! I totally feel the same way. I NEVER get a "day off". And I can't remember the last time I had a real vacation - although roadtripping with Steven last summer was pretty darn close! Still.....a hotel...a beach....sounds good!

Hang in there!!

J.

Island Rider said...

How come we are so good at keeping appointments for car repairs and doctors, but forget to make appointments with ourselves. Before school gets out and Z boy is home, you need to set aside a day to do what you want. No dishes or housekeeping or grocery shopping, just something fun totally for you. Just do it!

Pamela said...

go get a spa pedicure. It is a vacation in a two hour time capsule.

karisma said...

I hear you girl! What you need is a couple of nights away with some girlfriends like I did last year. It was fantastic, we did not go too far away, so I felt okay leaving the kids as I could be home in 2 hours if they needed me (which they did not).

I try to escape to my hammock with a book if I want me time, but they usually find me ....sigh....oh well they will all be grown before we know it.

Take care, I hope you get that break soon, and yes do not listen to Swampy. LOL

margaret (the misanthrope) said...

I am feeling the exact same way, Sayre (and I really loved Faye's comment).

I've actually been a bachelorette all week, since J has been away on a business trip. I love and miss him of course, and it's extra work for me (taking care of all the animals, household stuff etc. by myself) but can I tell you? I have really enjoyed the solitude. Get home after work, work out, and then I have a few hours to do whatever I darn well please.

And I LOVED your comment on my Mama's Family interview!! I see I'm not the only closet Y&R watcher :-) Victor and Nikki have divorced now, and he's back with Ashley (!!). Yay for guilty pleasures!

Janis said...

I agree with Karisma, get away with a few girlfriends and have a few laughs. That is a good cure for what ailes you. Sometimes you just need to look after yourself, you deserve that. Hope your weekend is relaxing.

Patience said...

GET OUTA TOWN!!!!!!!

Floridacracker said...

Man, if I followed Swampy's advice, I'd never get a vacation. Heartfelt post.
I hope you get that break!

nikki said...

i feel you on being tired. i am soooo drained. hope you get your vacay soon.

Anonymous said...

Pine Mountain, just 2 hours away...cool..quiet..dump the kid as you go past. It's cheap and it's a wonderful spot--as you well know. dad

PinkPiddyPaws said...

I have a spare room up here in Little Rock. And it only has a twin bed, so it's "room for one" only. :) I'm just saying....

xoxoxoox

SwampAngel65 said...

I know exactly how you feel. You should go down to the Keys and just hang out for a week...palm trees swaying in the salty ocean breeze...pina coladas...leave your watch at home, but bring your flip flops and camera. I can smell the suntan lotion already....come on down! I'll even join you for a few days!