Friday, November 26, 2010

My Arms Still Remember

My boy had a bad dream last night. He didn't remember much about it except that it scared him and he came looking for Mom to make it feel better.

In the dark, he sat on the edge of the bed and told me about it, and when he was done, I patted the bed beside me and he laid down snuggling into my arms like he did when he was little. It was so familiar, this holding of my child and yet so foreign. See, as he's gotten older, space has developed between us. He dives in for fleeting hugs and short-hand "Love 'ya's" these days as he learns about his own space and his own world.

I know this is normal but it doesn't mean that I don't miss him already.

As I laid there and held my boy, the images of our first nights together as mother and child came back to me. Spending the night in our hospital bed, communing in the glow of the mounted TV screen. I didn't get much sleep, preferring to hold and look at the miracle that came from my aging body - the baby that was so unlikely by then but came anyway.

He was so loved as a baby. I took every opportunity to hold him in my arms and through my arms I felt his growth. His daddy held him a lot too, nearly as much as I did.

There were times when I held him that he pushed away. It was from that vantage point that he could safely survey the world and know that I would not drop him.

As he grew, he knew only of the love his daddy and I had for him. He was always loved and always safe, but a time comes when he has to strike out on his own... going to school, finding his own friends and sometimes losing them for no apparent reason. The hugs become fleeting and soon you realize that this miracle is standing on his own feet as his own person.

It's hard to let go. Especially when those hugs and snuggles become rarer. But he's growing up and I have to loosen my grasp on his childhood and let him move forward.
Is it wrong of me to look forward to the occasional nightmare when he seeks solace in my arms again?
Son, I will always hold you tight when you need it... and I will reluctantly turn you loose when you're ready.


karisma said...

Beautiful Post! In our house Hugs are a must! No-one gets away without one, even the big people! LOL

Anonymous said...

I don't remember the last time I had a reassuring hug... or any kind of hug, come to think of it.

I hope the boy is wise enough to enjoy the haven while it is still available.


Jan n Jer said...

We give lots of hugs here in my home also. I hear you on that though, as the kids get older they do turn away from hugs, but they come back to it. I like Zboys new glasses, he is growing so fast!

Sandcastle Momma said...

I don't think it's wrong at all. Those hugs are the best gift you can ever receive.
Mine have gotten the same way - a quick hug here and there but no snuggling.
I dropped the Oldest off for a Scout campout not long ago and right before we left home he said "Mom, if you're gonna hug and kiss me goodbye can you do it now instead of when we get there?"
At least he still wanted the hug so I didn't mind.
It's hard to let go but I gues the alternative of them clinging to us as teenagers would be worse LOL

gayle said...

I love this post! I was just thinking about this very thing the other day! My grandson who is 4 is already pulling away from the hugs and kisses. I had to catch him today to get one!

Jill said...

oh my God that last picture. honey, he is going to be a LADY KILLER in his 20s. I can see it now. That smile, contacts instead of glasses. Can you see it too? You've got a really cute kid on your hands. I know totally off topic, but it had to be said!