Wednesday, February 08, 2012

Time to re-adjust my thinking

I've bought a few of these over the years.  Most of the time, they showed the top stick (not pregnant), but a few times it showed the second stick (pregnant).  Out of all those sticks over the last 35 or so years, only one indicated the child who would eventually be born almost 13 years ago.

Last night, I bought a couple of these.  And this morning I took the test - NOT PREGNANT. 

And suddenly, I realized that I'm going to have to change my way of thinking.  For the last 35 or so years, being two weeks late meant you were more than likely pregnant - but as I look forward to my 50th birthday next month, I have to acknowledge that my childbearing years are almost definitely over.  There are people out there who get pregnant naturally after 50, but it doesn't happen most of the time without some sort of medical intervention (Google led me to all kinds of information about 50+ pregnancy). 

I didn't think it likely for me, but I know someone who recently had a "menopause baby" so I wanted to be very, very sure.

I was relieved to get the negative result.  My husband and son were even MORE relieved.  But along with that relief was a little sadness.  I never thought I'd have my son and realizing that any opportunity to have another baby is probably past kind of brings home the fact that I'm aging.

I don't feel like I'm that old, but I guess I am.  And really - that's a good thing.  I'm enjoying this aging process as a rule, but I never know when I need to change my way of thinking about things.


Karmyn R said...

When you aren't ready for a baby, you cry when the stick reads positive...

When you want a baby, you cry when the stick reads negative...

My husband had his Vasectomy right after our youngest was born - but I still have "freak-outs" when I am a few days late. I haven't purchased a test, yet - but I can totally understand your feeling...a little sad but relieved all at the same time.

Jill said...

You're an amazing mom, so if you do have a surprise, we'd all be right there with you, doing everything we could to make it okay, supporting you every step of the way.

I thought I might have been recently, and although I was relieved (because, duh I have a 5 month old and had had alcohol a few times the week before), it was still sad. I'm not ready to be done yet, and I'm not sure I WOULD be ready to be done when I am.

B. Manatee said...

You know that my heart literally stopped when I saw the picture and title in the dashboard.
Even though I am younger, you know that I've had the very same struggles. The plus, the minus. The conflict between heart and body and what each means about the future.
The path continues and the leaves on the trees change color on our journeys.

SwampAngel65 said...

I know exactly what you mean. Eventhough I had my "tubes tied" after I had my little guy, I still have had a couple freak outs. Of course, my sticks were all negative and now...well, now, my periods are farther and farther apart. I even went a YEAR without one until the wedding stress brought them on again. Sometimes I catch myself thinking about babies, but then slap myself and come back to the reality that I'm 46 and it ain't happening again. IF I ever get that itch bad enough, and my husband agrees, then who knows, maybe we'd consider the thought of adoption. But I honestly doubt it. I think I'm done with bottles and diapers and am happy to look forward to being a Grandma one of these days.