Monday, August 29, 2011

In here

Sometimes, I feel like there is a strange membrane around me that doesn't let me feel everything I should. I think I developed it back when I was with my first (abusive) husband. Don't let anyone in. People can mash themselves up against it, but no one can really touch me. I worry about that sometimes.

But my son... he is a different story. He's my only shot at parenthood, an unexpected miracle when I didn't expect to ever be a mother. He's here inside my wall. Closer than anyone else, perhaps because he came from my body and was concieved in love. The mere idea that something awful could happen to him brings me to tears and clutches my heart like an attack on my soul.

This is why I have to WORK at allowing him his independence. The world feels hollow when he's not near, even when he's frustrating me or pissing me off, I'd rather he was here with me. Such is the mother-plight.

And now that he's growing into a young man, I will have to reinvent myself again, into someone that is able to stand back and let him make his own choices without interfering. His time with me will be less and less, which is how it should be. And I know that as empty nest begins to loom in a few years, I'll be snipping apron strings at a furious pace whether I want to or not. And I'll be okay because I know this is what is supposed to happen.

I worry about my husband though. He doesn't let go as readily, even when he knows he needs to. Empty nesting will be very hard on him.


Karmyn R said...

sigh - I suppose you are right. We have to snip those apron strings eventually, whether we are ready or not.

Island Rider said...

And this is where with your husband, you need to help him focus on the benefits of the boy growing up. Give them opportunites to become man friends with father-son activities. Show your husband snippets of time when you all can be a couple again and make them interesting and fun enough that he will look forward to more. And then, of course, there will be the high school years when Z-boy will be an insolent know it all and you will be more than happy for him to leave the nest!

karisma said...

I can honestly say, its not going to be easy but it does get easier in the end. I have found the apron strings being snipped fast and furious down here. The first ones were very hard, but with each little birdy flying the nest it is getting a little easier. And the visits home are always so much fun! Gemma is planning on moving to the city in a few weeks too now.She is one independent little bunny that one! As you already know. LOL

SwampAngel65 said...

I know ow you feel...when I move to PA, my oldest son has said he does NOT plan on moving with me. I keep telling myself that it's fine. He'll be fine. He has to give it a shot and see what happens. I told him that no matter what he will never be "homeless" and that his home is wherever I am. I'd be ecstatic if he ended up moving to PA, but for now I have to accept hid decision. But at least I'll have my little guy with me. Yeah, this motherhood thing sure does have it's ups and downs, don't it?!?